All good things must come to an end, so does my Amat Apis' 37-day break and the day that I fear has come. It is time to part ways again for some 60 to 90 days.
My worst trepidation is not for me..never me..I think I am able to handle this situation well as I am getting used to this newfound independence, but the kids' well being has always been my priority! And it is them that I am scared for. After nearly a month and a half of being nestled in their father's arms at night, having their Ayah to play chess and Congkak and Monopoly, Ayah bringing them here and there and everywhere, I just don't want to have to go back to the times when Khalida would be speaking to her father's picture constantly, striking up a conversation with his portrait in the bedroom or Iman crying herself to sleep or suddenly getting lost in her own imagination or even my Qayyum, who would suddenly miss his Ayah extremely that he would put his father's shirt over a pillow and pretend that pillow is Ayah and food suddenly does not excite him anymore. Can you imagine the heartache I go through by all this? And it is not something one gets used to or even could expect.
But miracles happen to those who wait. As I am deeply thinking of the gloomy days ahead, here my children are having the time of their lives, giggling and running around, having each other as the best person to rely on and turn to. Only they understand what they have to go through and it surprises me that when they speak of their father, they are able to talk of the happy times, the funniest and funnest moments they have had with him unlike before when it was nights of pacifying them to sleep saying that time will pass by quickly. And although there is still that need and longing for him but it is not as much as before. I guess they have found it in each other ways to heal their own pain, ways to keep their Ayah's presence alive.
It's only been a week since he left and I do not want to jinx this situation. Children, they really know how to amaze you! My children, they amaze me with their strength and I do hope this experience will make them stronger to face the harsher times to come..insya-allah! And me, what do I do? I secretly cry in my walk-in closet!