Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Philandering is the new hobby...

I am lucky I did not get married to an international sportsman because if I did, maybe I would make it into the spotlight with news of my footballer husband being in someone else's bed!  

When David Beckham made it first with his Rebecca Loos story, I wasn't much intrigued because before he tied himself down to Mrs. B, he was always involved with beautiful women one after another...but  Tiger Woods shocked me tremendously when the press managed to leak news of his sex romps because all this while he had always carried this 'family man' look and portrayed a very good image of himself.  What I can deduce from this is, cheaters are not only those who are famous b******s with the bad boy image or charming good looks; it could just be any 'Dick' or Harry out there! 

The question I would like to pose is, why do men cheat?  If some say that it is because the wife has not been taking good care of her physical appearance, then do you count Victoria Beckham, Collen whatever her last name is, Elin whatever her last name is too, Cheryl Cole as ugly and haggard women..?  Aren't they all beautiful women? Well, I think some men just cheat because they know they can and they are capable of detaching themselves from dwelling into emotions as they go deeper into this affair!  They don't need a strong reason to do it having "just the thrill of it" or "just to try it out" as a good enough excuse to go astray.  

But, the sad thing is, when things are exposed, who is the victim?  What do you do to your marriage when it is stained?  The consequences differ for each individual.  Some would gladly go because they know they have the financial means to start a new life!  But when you plan to leave with kids tagging along in this cut throat world..are you able to?  Are you strong enough to tap rubber trees and face jagged paths until you make your way into riches?  Are you strong enough to lead a life without that other person who although neglected and ignored you but was there to be a place where you poured yourself out to?  And worst of all when the victims are your kids..Do you have the heart to take away your children from their father?  

Hence, you decide to stay although you may have your heart broken once, twice, thrice only because you are simply stuck with it!  And in the end, after picking up the broken pieces and gluing it together, he smashes your heart again...and to prove his innocence, does he think a lawsuit worth millions of pounds could help you heal...?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Facing it alone this time...

I brought Khalida to see our trusted paediatrician after I spent a whole sleepless night attending to my munchkin who could not sleep herself due to her coughs.  She has been coughing for a week now but last night was the worst.  The doctor then gave me her options; to give her oral treatment on new rounds of medicine or to have her hospitalized.   I chose the latter; not only that I requested for her medication to be administered through an IV line. 

Yeah, some may say that I sound like the wickedest wicked witch ever, but I only have her health in my best interest.   Being hospitalized means, I would not have to make late night calls to the emergency ward in Kemaman which is a good 20 minutes of driving in between industrialized lands and lush green forests.. alone.. but most primarily is, if any health scares arise, I have the nurses at close range to attend to this child pronto!  Having an IV line on the other hand, speeds up her recovery process because all the medicine she needs would not be wasted as opposed to giving it to her orally where she is reluctant to swallow it and when she does, she either spits it out or vomits it on me.

Now that my dearest husband has resigned from his previous employer, it also means that we have lost a very good medical coverage.  If it weren’t for the plastic money that I have been refusing to part with, I don’t think we could still manage this little piece of luxury of going to a private hospital.  Hahaaa... thank you Babes for picking up the tab!  He seemed so calm when I told him, “Oh Babes, not only that, since the hospital had no more single rooms or double rooms available, I took the VIP room at a whooping RM ***.”  Just imagine if this was some kind of boutique hospital where there is a shopping mall joined to it, would he be as calm had I thrown in a piece of Louis Vuitton to go...?

I still can’t sleep with the nurses doing their rounds coming in every two or three hours to take her temperature, to give her medication or to give her dose on the nebulizer and when they are off somewhere, I still can’t sleep because my little angel starts her coughing which becomes worse after her nebulizer.   Hope this tumultuous period for my daughter ends swiftly...I can’t bear to see her suffering especially when I am facing this alone!

p/s Daddy, if you are reading this, thanks for lending me the laptop and also for bringing me a broadband...
(See old man is very tech savvy!!!)

Thanks to Atuk, who needs a big screen TV when you can have a laptop and Barney all day long.

This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today...

Saturday, September 25, 2010

What do you do?

When you have had enough of accepting shit, what do you do?  Tell that person to stop giving you shit?  And even after having done so, that person still loves giving it to you, what do you do?  Do you flush it down the toilet and have a peace of mind or do you keep on accepting it making your life stink like hell? 

I don't tell me!

Friday, September 24, 2010

I only want to be understood and liked for being me..

I wrote in my previous post that I had wanted "immense wealth" from God which He has not granted yet.  I should have been more specific and thanks to a fellow reader, his proposal that I defined what I meant by it left me thinking to myself.  Yes, not everyone knows what is playing in my head and words are perceived differently by different people, some misconstrued..perhaps..that can make me look to seem like a horrible person; unless you do not make allowance for such things to happen. Therefore, I think I should write down on the wealth that I seek just for my satisfaction.

Lying would be it had I said that I do not want to be rich! I have never come across anyone who do not desire material wealth but the amount of how much they want to accumulate differs from one another.  In terms of money, alhamdulillah, I think I have enough.  I am able to eat and feed my kids everyday without fail.  At the end of the month, when my ching chings come in to turn my latest balance of RM 8.53 into something more admirable, I can then bring the kids out for dinner at a nice place. I have food and shelter all brought to me by wealth so how much more money do I need because having more of it would still be never enough!  But if money does come to me..surely I would never turn it down..:) and to not seek for it, I think not yet..I am still in search of it..not much but just for my children's future.

Still, I feel that I am  poor because what is the use of having enough cash if you are lacking in love?  So, in my terms, wealth to me is to be loved by so many people.  When the late Datuk Sosilawati passed on to meet God, an amount of 700 people was jotted down to have turned up to recite the Yassin for her. Doesn't that just show how much she is loved?  If I were to be found dead in a forest anywhere, would I get the same attention from  those who know me or would they spit at my grave and say that I deserved it??? I know that I wasn't the most lovable person around but, hey, I got feelings too!  I have made my mistakes and I have tried to be forgiven and it hurts and saddens me to know that some may have not let it past them yet.  When all those who I have wronged are able to accept me for who I am, and have forgiven me...that is the day that I would claim to become the richest person in the world!..Insya-allah.

This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today..

Why I am coping oh so well..

I am amazed at myself for having this strength to cope being somewhat a single parent juggling my roles as a father, mother and teacher.  I had always thought I would breakdown come the third day of my husband's absence; I guess no one, even me had expected this 4'10" mother of three to actually be capable of surviving this independence after my husband decided to find a better future for us in the middle-east.  

I have made several trips to KL driving on my own lugging my kids behind and completing the journey (without my Mother) in no more than 4 hours, my household is resuming as it has always been..nothing has changed, I have made several emergency trips to the clinics and hospital for my daughter's condition and despite all the ups and downs facing all these alone, I can still manage to smile.  But, I have to admit..I thank my helper Nining for all her understanding and patience because without her apart from Allah obviously, I do not think I would have managed to survive.  The kids just adore her and surprisingly, things have taken a different turn with her attitude.  She has been very tolerant of my mood swings unlike how it was when my husband was still living here where she would always answer me back or pull a face when I reprimand her but now, she takes things lightly and I, in return would close both eyes on petty things! So it's a win-win situation, no?  

Secondly, I have to thank my parents and siblings for their willingness to race over here at any minute I call.  And my mother has been such an angel for always being concerned over us, to the fact that my house has been her second home alternating between Kerteh and Sg. Tua in between her appointments with her cardiologist.  My father too has  been very supportive and his sacrifice is that he allows my mams to leave him to accompany us eventhough we all know that he just can't bear to stay apart from her for a single minute!  My sister's role, on the other hand, would always call us not allowing any minute of loneliness to creep into any void that it may find.  She would also plan all these trips on buses and trains for my kids taking time off from work every school holidays when she knows we plan to visit.  Then, my brother Alang is the one that Khalida dotes on because he never fails to bring her and the other 2  to the kite park.

I have to also give credits to friends and neighbors who have helped me so much, bringing my son for his Friday prayers, ferrying my kids to Quranic lessons when I am stuck with extra classes of my own, looking out for my children and assisting them and my helper when I need to leave for courses or meetings because without their help, I would definitely be a bit impaired.

Other than that, when you are in a situation that requires you to toughen up, it suddenly becomes you whether you have it or not!  I know that I have to be hard for the sake of my children.  If I show them that I too am slowly being eaten up by loneliness or the sadness of not having him around, I know for sure that it would affect them more! As a mother, I want them to have all the happiness in the world and I am willing to do anything for their benefits.

My prayers for immense wealth may not have been answered by God the way I want it to be but having this outrageous amount of strength is as close as it can be to being rich.  Above all who have helped me, God is definitely the one who makes it happen!  

I would like to quote a song from "The Sound of Music" :
"Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever did,
 So..somewhere in my youth or childhood,
 I must have done something good"

This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The joy of Eidulfitri.

There is nothing special about Hari Raya to me now that I am a grown up.  It is just another day in the year that we go through and a day that Muslims celebrate in awe.  Getting together is not how it feels like from the last time I remember when I was still a little girl.  No more are the cousins be it the boys or girls with whom I used to play, no more sounds of the firecrackers or the smell of thick smoke coming from our 'bunga api'; everyone now is no longer that small child being parents of our own little ones.

However, in all these changes that I love to reminisce by ransacking my yesteryears..there is one memory that still remains alive to date which is the 'salam-bersalaman' or the seeking for forgiveness session we always have in the mornings of Eidulfitri right after the men of the house return from their Syawal prayers.  This is the one tradition that I am proud of because during this time, we would all seek forgiveness regardless of our age and position in the family.  My mother would start off by asking my father to forgive her for her previous sins and when she is done she would sit herself next to my Dad where my sister, the eldest would then continue until the youngest child, being trailed by the three grandchildren whom all would seek forgiveness from the head of the family and the lady of the house who sits proudly next to my Dad..  

But the best thing is, it does not stop there ... it has always been my humble Dad's teaching that seeking forgiveness is not only to the parents but should also be among the siblings themselves and therefore, what happens every year at our home is we always respect one another and honor each other by doing the same as we have done to our parents which is to seek forgiveness between us; the younger would apologize to the elders and vice versa unlike in some movies or dramas where the portrayal of apologizing is only sought from the young ones to the elders! 

By humbling ourselves, that..I believe is what has helped to hold our sibling's affection and bonded us tightly throughout our entire lives.  What makes me proud is that this tradition has also rubbed on to me for my children too have been taught with the same values that my father has inculcated to us ever since I could remember.  It is entirely fulfilling seeing them hugging each other and saying 'minta maaf zahir dan batin' in their own childish manner just like how we used too many years ago.  

That is one of the things about Hari Raya that has and never will change in my family.  I cannot imagine not doing this...this habit of seeking forgiveness among children to parents,   parents to their children and siblings to each other because to me, that is the true spirit of Hari Raya, the sincerity of seeking forgiveness. We may not be rocket scientists having first-class degrees but we do have first class bonding among the family members which I will never trade for all the riches in the world...

My siblings and my little terrors in Melaka on the 2nd of Hari Raya.  Guys, I love you dearly!!!

This is my plain ramblings for today...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

On baking...

A mother's love for her children surpasses anything else.  Even when she is tired, she would get up.  Even when she is sad, she would laugh...all in the name of love for her children.  

I hate baking cookies..loathe it extremely! Detest..despite..just hate hate hate it!  As compared to making pies, cakes, lasagne, fish pies to name a few, I feel that baking cookies take up so much of my time and on top of it all, the process is repetitive unlike making cakes, you do all sorts of things from making the batter, to baking it, to decorating it and finally chomping on it! With cookies you would have to do the same thing over and over again until the last piece of dough is baked. is time consuming, right?

However, out of love, I baked..not just one but 4 batches of my newly concocted Double Whammy Chocolate Chip cookies, a recipe I altered from a brownie recipe that my SIL gave to  me.. Just imagine making cookies out of 500 grams of butter..that gives you a lot of baking to do!  It all started when my son told me he wanted to eat some cookies, but the ones Mummies always make like in the TV.  And Iman being a loyal servant to her brother, added more to it making me melt down which got me tricked into agreeing to bake.  And so, I baked!  Even through the tone of this post, I bet some of you can sense my lack of just shows how enthusiastic I was to bake!

Now, I am on my last batch of boy and gals have gained a kilo yesterday from eating the cookies made since 2 days ago. I have scalded my hand, arm, fingers due to replacing the baking trays from in to out and back in to the oven and my whole body smells of butter and chocolate now which resulted in Khalida to nibble on my arm saying "Mum hand nice!!"  Not only that, I even managed to make some for my MIL and Mummy apart from my three little terrors.  Do I like baking cookies now? Still don't!!!  But one thing for sure,  I love that post-baking period when seeing my children eat my freshly baked cookies while thanking me repeatedly for "being such a wonderful Mum" and spilling fresh milk all over the floor.  So, would I bake cookies again?  Without a doubt! ;)

This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today...

Friday, September 3, 2010

The beauty of forgiving..

It was the last day of school before we would embark on our 2 weeks holiday, preparing the final touches to our Raya celebration.  Since I've made myself invisible during the morning assembly, I missed out on the salam-bersalaman session among the teachers.  I decided to do my own stint before everyone leaves school and start heading for home, wherever that may be.

There is one particular person that I know I NEED to seek forgiveness from.  Ka S is a senior colleague who has been with me since the first day I stepped into that school and she is also one of the colleagues who have watched my family grow...who have watched me grow.  However, along the 10 years, I do not know why, we stopped being close to each other and during the whole of this and last year, our communication was strictly professional.  There is no definite reason to explain it, at least on my behalf, no apparent reason to why this could have happened.  Gone are the big laughters, gone are the chit-chats I loved having with her, gone are those hadiths and sunnahs that she would often tell me to make me improve on my behavior, but what is most saddening..gone is that sisterly love she exudes.

As my eyes were scouring for a sight of her , I caught a glimpse while I was in the arms of my former Penolong Kanan.  Then, as I turned around Kak S was no more there!  My heart was racing with fear..had she gone home already before I even had the chance to say "I'm sorry!"  I dashed out of the teachers' room and there I saw her putting things in her car.  Automatically, I shouted to her "Kak S...where were you, I haven't said I'm sorry yet!!!"  I ran to her who was walking to where I stood, and the moment I reached her, I could do nothing more than to hold her close to me and I did not want to let go. Infact, words seemed to be gone at that moment, the so many things I wanted to say, to explain I could not.  But she understood me..she knew what I wanted to say..she sensed my intentions because the second she reciprocated my embrace, she whispered to me, " Fida, I love you! Remember, you are always my sister!"

It was so emotional..I could not say anything to her but to only clinch on to her, this lady who I had always loved like my own sister, who had always guided me from wrong to right.  I just hanged on to her like that for almost 10 minutes I guess, disregarding the students who were passing by and looking at us who were already in tears.  I finally managed to say when I collected myself, "I'm sorry.  I love you too..".  

It was then, the wall that had been interfering with us broke down into rubbles, breaking every ill feelings, every distance and made me realize just how much she means to me as a sister, as a friend.  And that, dear readers, is the beauty of forgiveness, the beauty of seeking forgiveness!


This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Do you dare to?..

Hmm..a Chinese proverb says "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime".  I agree.

It's nearing the end of Ramadhan with Syawal just around the corner and if it were to be on a train you could already hear the faint sound of the wheels aligned against the track quickly paving its way towards us.  And being the last day of school today, it is expected that we seek forgiveness for our past wrongdoings from each other. Be it among colleagues or between students and teachers and also peers.  

But, I believe, that to seek forgiveness, you have to be purely sincere and not coerced into it or the act is purposely done because you are required to, as instructed by your teachers.  Today, I snubbed the morning assembly with the simple reason that asking the students to seek forgiveness and expecting them to do it there and then is not teaching them how to fish but rather feeding them for the day!  Now, do you dare to do that?

This is nothing but my plain ramblings for the day.