Friday, July 30, 2010

Writer's Block

I usually have a lot too say..too much to say infact, that words are never enough to express my thoughts.  However lately, I just don't have anything to say...nothing at all!  Wonder where my muse has gone to? 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Kelakor pulak...

Sajer-jer menghabiskan masa emas doing nothing fruitful while waiting for my dearest husband to finish with his kerja mengodek-godek laptop dia that I bumped into this website yang akan meletakkan value for any of your websites.  So, I decided to check my net worth and the result is not flattering at all..!!! Gilos, nampak sangatler tidak menariknyer blog ini..kuakuakua..

I am only worth $2964.20!!!!  Haaa...Amat Apis, always being his positive self  kept on repeating "USD Yang...USD... Banyakler tu..."  As if....

Tuler, yang hang gatai-gatai lagi tu sapa suruh. Padan muka sendiri!

This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today.

Monday, July 12, 2010

My beacon, my pillar..he is!

Amat Apis whom I met 13 years ago from today, came to me at the right time in my life, when I needed that extra special attention.  I was living with 3 other girls who I love very very very much but they just could never possibly fill in that gaping hole in my heart.  My loneliness nearly lowered my self-esteem, and that was when I met him.  We kicked off very well and 6 months later, we became more than friends and he had saved me from being vulnerable about myself, my appearance.  I guess God had it planned that he would always come to stop me from breaking apart. 

But Amat Apis being Amat Apis, never having the right words to say to me during my recklessly emotional episodes, however, would never ever falter at doing the right things for me.  Just like last week,  I was feeling tremendously upset and devastated after I found out that a very personal friend of mine whom I regarded as a sister, a confidante had betrayed me.  With my husband not being around to offer me his shoulders to cry on, it made it even harder to swallow.  And he, although being many many miles apart, with the sea being in between us, never took that opportunity to neglect me but managed to be there for me, being by my side through that troubling time although not physically.  Through ooVoo (something like Skype), he patiently waited for me to finally be relieved of my worries and anger even when it was apparent from the looks on his face that he needed to rest after a hard day's work.  He never told me to sleep although it was already 4 a.m, he never told me to stop yapping, he never said anything because he knew all that I wanted was for him to listen. 

Knowing that I was still upset, he decided to pacify me by literally being by my side and that is what he just did.  To cheer me up, to help me regain myself, he came down all the way from the Gulf be it only for three days, as long as he knew that I was okay.  Yes, my husband may have some imperfections, so do I.  But one thing that I never have is his extra-ordinary amount of patience and his willingness to do just about anything (within limitations) for me.  My weekend last Thursday,  would always be a weekend to remember. I know with him by my side, with his support, I could manage just about anything for he would always stop me from tearing apart.  I know now why God sent him to me although he deserves a better wife; he was sent to me to save me from myself.

A superfluous character..

A meeting was held today to discuss the results for the recent mid-term examination, so I called up the Vice Principal beforehand to excuse myself from it.  Since my assistant would be present as head of panel for her subject,  I didn't see why I should be there to hear the same thing when all I could do is ask her for the details the next day. I decided it was best for me not to be there and at the same time I could help to reduce cost; with one tummy away means the school gets to save approximately RM 3 on refreshments.  Unfortunately, my pleas had fallen on deaf ears..the VP said " As the Form 4 co-ordinator, your presence is compulsory!"  I didn't pull a face because I know he was only doing his job..and the fact that he added " You may leave quietly in the middle of it" made it even more difficult for me to be a crybaby for the simple fact that my request was turned down.

Hmm...compulsory my foot..hey, do not get me wrong...I have much respect for the VP because he is a very understanding man, has never made my life miserable, is always practical and realistic in his orders and very straight-forward.  So, when he denied my request to be excused from the meeting today, I did not protest but obliged happily.  But to say that my presence is compulsory, technically, maybe .. but realistically...I do not think so.  Just imagine being there in the meeting room for 3 hours long, listening attentively just in case you are questioned for certain things relating to academic programmes and such only to be disappointed when there is just no time to discuss the results for the recent exam among the Form 1,2 and 4 students.  Imagine wasting a good 180 minutes of your time being in a room full of people who talk between themselves (including me) simply because we are the irrelevant players.  Most of the time, this is what happens.

Presenting the weaknesses and strengths of the students when they attempted the questions only help to point out where both teachers and students have gone wrong during the teaching and learning session.  However, it is only possible to achieve this when there are constructive discussions on the flaws that may have occurred. By having these post-mortem sessions, it is supposed to help the teachers improve their teaching skills when we, together as teachers dissect each others' pros and cons only for the sole objective to achieve some or more academic excellence.  Correct me if I am being misleading, but aren't meetings like this suppose to accomplish some kind of solutions that may or may not work by exchanging methods and opinions that seem to work for some? 

I know the administrators are perpetuated to bring out the best of teachers for us to help produce students who would always achieve A's many many times but be realistic!  It does not suffice only by hearing presentations or giving a presentation on how many A's, B's, C's etc etc that students' had achieved in the X subject, the R subject or the K subject.  A meeting is supposed to be a point of discussion not a lecture session..So, how pertinent is my presence as the Form 4 co-ordinator when I, for a single second even, had no relevance being there?

This is my plain ramblings for today.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Love my kids..

I love my kids!!! VERY MUCH!! There is nothing in the world that I would not do for my kids, I would even sacrifice my life for them.  Even if I have to sacrifice my own happiness, I would, as long as their happiness is guaranteed. They are a pain in the backside at most times, I cannot deny that fact, and I have to admit that you need to have a tough piece of meat on your bones when handling them.  Still I love them.

For instance, Khalida is easily excited when she sees her Abang Qayyum all up and about.  Even if she just woke up from sleep, she would never turn her Abang down for any kind of games even the ones that require her to be engaged in full motion.  Although she is a girl, but she is most comfortable being around her brother whom I think she idolizes. And the two of them have somehow formed an ally against my number 2.  

This little broccoli should not be underestimated.  She has already reached the fourth tier on my 5 tiered bookcase, and I won't mention her climbing up the grill at the sliding door.  Every single day, as I return home from work, a normal sight I see is her on the grill waving at me.  If she is on the bunk bed (nope, I do not put her there, she managed to climb up) you better beware when you want to bring her down. She would volunteer herself by throwing herself at you! 

Biting, is her way of showing affection..peculiar as it seems..she loves biting when she is extremely happy.  Ironically, Iman is her favorite victim.  She is also a very adamant person knowing what she wants and would stick to it. To her, "no means no" although that is my favorite phrase which all three of them seem to ignore.  If she wants "Baa Baa Black Sheep", you'd better give her Black Sheep.   Just this afternoon, I was mucking with her brains and I sang  Baa Baa Dirty Goat to her dismay.  She went totally ballistic!!!  

Now Iman is a softie, more of a princess and diva all at once.  I caught her watching youtube on how to apply eyeshadow and in her palm, was my newly bought Chanel blusher that she thought could replace eyeshadow.  Clever one!  She loves necklaces, hairbands, hairpins, dresses with ribbons and ties and refuse to wear anything dull in color..her clothes would all have to be cheerful and color co-ordinated with her handbags and slippers unlike me who would go for dull or ..mmm.. earth-toned and wear anything I get ny hands on.  At the age of 3 and a half, she has already worn her first pair of wedges and everything has to be either Hello Kitty or Barbie!  It's good that she is still naive, if not I would be given hell had she known that most of the times I had bought her fake ones.  Come on, I am being none other than realistic and economically wise!  Who would buy a pair of children's wedges priced at RM 35 only to see a pair lost in the drain?   

Other than that, I am lucky that my younger brother is a fashion designer, so we get free dresses CUSTOM MADE by him for my diva princess all to her approval.  Mengada tak?  Thank you Khairi.  She even has this fascination with butterflies too. Since Khairi needs all these accessories to use when he makes his dresses, he would always make butterfly hairpins for this munchkin of mine and she just loves wearing them.  Try observing Iman in the car, you would notice that she checks herself out in the mirror, fixing a strand of  hair that would accidently go out of place..makcik..makcik..and when she passes by children's boutiques, you should look at the smile on her face upon seeing clothes that has caught her attention.

She can be quite a diva especially in the mornings if she feels that she has not had enough sleep.  We would have to carry her to the bathroom for her morning showers as she refuse to walk saying she is tired.  If either Nining or I do not abide to her command, then you can say goodbye to your alarm clock because her voice is pitchy enough to wake the universe when she screams.  She is a picky little one too.  During meals, we have to be extra careful when attending to her.  She DOES NOT LIKE any other food to touch her food.  It has to be separated on the plate.  If she wants them mixed up, she would do it herself, not before she gets it.  The other day we were having a nice dinner time out; I was having steak while she opted for fish.  She asked me to cut her fish and me without thinking used my steak knife to do the deed.  So, there goes one meal untouched.  Food from other plates should not touch her food too!! Haiya.. I can go on and on and on with her 'divaness', but I shall reserve it for my personal amusement.  

However, she is also very hardworking being able to complete one whole coloring activity book in a day.  She just loves to be on her own.  Give her papers, pencils, pencil colors or crayons and there she goes into her own world.  She didn't start to speak even at the age of 2 and a half. I even thought that she was speech impaired. Now, at the age of 4 years and 8 months, she only stops talking when she sleeps.  Well..I think all three of them share this trait.  She loves going to school and will never stop educating herself.  She tries so hard to read on her own and even if she does not know how to pronounce the word, she would never give up.  She hasn't learnt how to read yet..still with basic words with one syllable but I shall let her go in her own time.  She is still a child.

Then, last and definitely never the least, favorite..son!  Hehehe... Of course he's my favorite son cos he is the only one.  I am just waiting for the day for him to realize that fact. This boy is a winner learning to walk run at only 10 months old and speaking fluently at one and a half.  He picks up languages very easily, so we always have to watch what we say at home.  When he was 3, he was already using words like "definitely", "scorching fire", and his favorite "blazing fire" (in his own pronounciation ler, but still intelligible).  That is why I love bringing my children to school with me every time I have extra classes.  

He loves bugs and creepy crawlies.  You ask him anything about spiders, bees and hornets, he could tell you but if you ask him on his multiplication, "I'm sleepy" would be his answer. Hahahaha...yang ini memang kasi pusing kepala.  He once asked me how did rain happen.  Being only three, I did not want to be too scientific with him.  So I said that it was because the clouds drank too much water from the ponds, drains and lake so it had to go and shee shee, so its shee shee water is the rain that falls on the ground.  Was he first yeah, until he knew about evaporation and all a day later.  He would keep on asking questions beyond my field like how does a puffer fish get its poison from, or how do fireflies light themselves up.  He just loves Science..doing experiments on everything and anything.  Once, he had cut the handle of my Coach bag just to see whether leather is durable. 

Computer games are his kind of thing and the fact that his father entertains him on this one does not help my parenting him.  The two of them are sparring partners exchanging new found theories on developing the land, gaining more power, how to recruit more army etc etc etc.  Yeah..they play this boring game called 'Dark Crusade: Dawn of War".    I told him to play Pacman but he gave me an unamused look.  So..wokey..that is beyond my jurisdiction. 

Climbing up the also his favorite.  He would ask his father to hold him  in front of a wall while he tries to climb up to the ceiling.  He never asks me because standing at 4'10'' he could barely make quarterway.  He used to think that his father's tummy was a trampoline jumping on it every chance he could.  My sofa has become a another jumping platform and that is why I keep on using it even if is is 10 years old and squishy. ( My husband should be grateful on this one as I never pester him to change the sofa even when Hari Raya is just around the corner)  Now, under his coaching and strict guidance, the other 2 have followed in on his footsteps pretending to be kites, or a paraglide jumping from the windowsill to the couch on to the floor which they three have cleverly covered with futons and my cushiony oversized pillows.  This boy does not sit still!! how I would define my life when it comes to handling this bunch.   A plethora of personalities coming from something so small and fragile.  Most of the times, I am amazed with what I have created out of love and there, God's greatness becomes extremely apparent.   They may not be perfect children by other people's standard, but isn't it all subject to personal opinion?  In my eyes, I could have never asked for more!!

Qayyum, Iman and are rest assured that I will always protect you and do anything for your best interest...simply because you guys are mine..

With deepest love, Ibu/Mother/Mum.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Betrayed and moving on.

I have never really understood how it felt to be betrayed.  Never had the experience that could shatter my whole world until 2 days ago.  I could never really understand betrayal...until it recently happened to me.  

It is not a feeling that one should ever experience because it changes your whole perspective of that other person who betrayed you. is not something that I would suggest people to experience although experience is the wisest teacher.  The pain is excruciating, it never stops.  Your heart is pricked and poked over and over again that it becomes part of your life during that tumultuous period.  You vent your anger but venting it changes nothing.  You try to breathe but every time you do, you choke on your own tears.  You want to quit, but quitting only makes you a loser..  And to add salt to wound, your other half is not around to help you get up.

It is painful I must say for the pain comes with a vengeance as it stabs you repeatedly, snatching your happiness because it was done by the person you trust, you thought of as a friend..a very close confidante.  It would not stop attacking you until your strength finally emerges from within but how soon would strength come to be your saviour?  If I could have my way, I would have broken my friendship with that person..but knowing that doing so would mean that she wins, I shall spare her from gloating over her triumph.  Thus, you, I accept back in my heart because forgiving is a noble thing to do!

I am coping and moving on.  I need to pick myself up and to hold my head up high.  After two days of wallowing in my sorrow and scouring why I deserved this,  I finally found solace in Him and so, I shall not break this friendship I cemented 6 years ago.  Today, He only shows that He has love still for me because I am tested with my girl's health.  But then again, what is asthma when you have been to hell and back..

p/s  Amat Apis, really wished you were here to lend me your shoulder.

This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today.