Friday, April 30, 2010

Ready to go..

Just finished packing all the things he needs to bring. 

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Being a housewife...

It's been exactly 8 days today since I last went to work.  After Khalida's surgery, I decided to take a no pay leave until I am pretty satisfied that I could leave her to be tended  by my helper. 

Khalida, like me,  has eczema but hers is worse than mine as what she is allergic to can pretty much be said, almost everything!  When I had a c-sect to deliver Iman, my wound did not heal as it did with Qayyum's delivery.  The stitches did not dissolve as it should have, resulting it to be infected and puss was coming out, this was also the case with Khalida's delivery.  My body could not accept the thread used for stitching. So, using that as an excuse or 'precaution' in my terms, I took a whole week off to observe her wound.  Well, nothing went bad..she recovered almost immediately showing no sign of unbearable pain at all,  ( not that I wanted her too)  but just  as I have expected, the thread did not dissolve like it was supposed to and due to this, you can see a single line of thread jutting out from her chest.  The only soothing thing about it is, there isn't any form of liquid coming out.  What tires me is that I have to patch the wound sometimes twice a day because she would always  take the patch off so those tiny fingers of her could start scratching it.

Some may think that since I have a helper, much of my time is spent on myself during this once in a blue moon affair of not coming to work.  Not exactly!  Khalida has become very attached to me and she can't stand a single second on her own without me around.  I guess she knows that mums not working to take care of her.  Everything that she needs or wants has to be to be given by me and not her "Mbak".  She refuses anyone else to change her, bathe her or feed her while I am around, I have nothing against it, in fact I quite like this whole idea of not working to be at home for my kids.  It is such a pleasure just watching her wake up, bathing her in the morning, making breakfast,  which I rarely have the opportunity to do for the past few years.  Qayyum, on the other hand, being an opportunist hasn't let me get off the hook easily too having his own set of demands for me to fulfill.  Iman, the princess, asks for me to fetch her from school everyday before I go to the doctor's for Khalida's dressing and she just enjoys the car ride on her way home talking continuously or more precisely endlessly! Yeah, I think I can get used to being a housewife although I am always on the go trying to make everything be on time even though at the end of the day,I am gasping for air.

Between cooking and being Qayyum's personal chef, ferrying the kids here and there and earning some RM as a teacher, hands down..I would choose being a free chauffeur and personal chef to my kids...anytime!!!!


This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I shall be a migrant..

My husband tendered his resignation to be employed in the middle east.  Not many of my friends know of this yet, to avoid from being bombarded with questions that seem to cross the line especially when they ask how much he would be earning? As if I know!!!  However, I shall tell you one thing here that isn't private at all.  He will be migrating to Al-Ruwais, a small fishing area turned into a petrochemical industry, about 240 km from Abu Dhabi while I will remain here as a teacher in the goverment services until we settle certain issues there like schools, hospitals, accommodation, etc. 

I am speechless at the thought of him leaving a secured job with an established company but my greatest trepidation is what my career plans are.  You see, as a government servant, I am not in the luxury to take unpaid leaves to follow my husband abroad if he is not employed by a government listed company which in our case means, either I get pregnant (hell NO...NOT YET!!!) and apply for a 5 year unpaid leave to care for my newborn or simply resign.  Definitely, I will not get myself pregnant just for this, I would like my baby to be conceived out of love and because we wanted it for sincere reasons while the latter  has crossed my mind several times to my father's objection.  Eventually, I hope, I will be given some guide on which path I shall take..a child needs a father at his side, I need my job for security, a husband needs a wife for sooooooooooo many things, I need a husband for sooooooooooo many things too ;) 

Predicaments..predicaments..


"TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;        5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,"

Are we seriously leaving Petronas for this????
(Picture Source: Google Images)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Another trying moment...

It was when Khalida was 2 months old that I first felt a little lump on her right upper chest wall, the size of a bean.  I did not pay much attention to it though, as I was more occupied nursing her back to health from the bronchiolitis that kept on taking the best out of her.  However, about a couple of months back, when she was warded again for the hundredth time that I noticed the lump had grown bigger and when I spoke of it to her paediatrician,  she suggested that I bring Khalida to a surgeon for a second opinion.  Again, I gave little attention to it being tied down by work and examinations.

Last Monday, I decided to bring Khalida to a GP just to check whether she would be fine as I needed to be away on a  three day course in Kuala Terengganu.  She was having a runny nose, nothing alarming,  I only needed that  confidence factor to leave her under the care of my helper, but it was on that day when we were referred to a surgeon immediately for the lump that was suspected as a lymph node.

We went to Kuantan Specialist for a consultation and what was thought as a lymph node was diagnosed as only a cyst.  The surgeon informed us that it was nothing critical or life-threatening yet she needed a surgery to remove it since the cyst has grown bigger and nothing could determine for sure that it would stop at that and eventually if it was left untreated, it would be infected and cause horrid scars in the future.  He, therefore suggested for a surgery to be performed as soon as possible (for us) which meant we could leave it till next month or even do it the next day and  if it was not for the surgeon's lack of human touch, we would have allowed him to slice my child up there and then!  It was all quite sudden and the manner which he spoke in did not assure me he was credible enough as a doctor who was thinking for the best interest of my 23 month old baby.  He only sounded money driven...but then, aren't all surgeons like that.  Looking back, I think he needed to be seemingly cold-hearted as a requirement for him to be able to cut people up, I guess...

We went for a second opinion at HKL with a specialist I trust with my life who also puts up a cold front but I know she is not in it for the money.  After she examined my child, we were advised to seek a surgeon for another second opinion.  And while all this was happening, my mother's heart was giving her palpitations and she was warded for it. Her heart was swollen and they needed to observe her.  Now, my mum is in the hospital for a heart problem and I needed to see a surgeon for Khalida's cyst.  I decided to take care of my mum first and postpone Khalida's case till the next day. 

I went to HKL to visit my mum and she looked so frail..maybe it was just me because all this while she seemed to be a very strong woman and all this while I have never seen her in a hospital bed.  I wanted to transfer her to a private hospital for I know she would be more than comfortable there than where she was today but she refused.  That night, I came to visit her again bringing her some personal things she needed and as I left her for the second time that day, I could not stop the tears from coming down my cheeks when I looked back and saw her looking out the window, all alone, into the darkness of the night.  She did not belong there..she was supposed to be at home with us!!!  It was at that moment did I see her true age surfacing and it was there that I had a sudden tremble of fear...the fear that I would lose her to God one day...I just could not stop crying on my way down to the car and I am most blessed with a loving husband who didn't ask me "Why?" but instead held me close to him while I cried myself out.  Mummy, I love you..and I am sorry for not being the best daughter you deserved!!!

God is great as Mummy's heart was getting okay and we could look forward to her being discharged.  I went to see a surgeon early in the morning and still have the time to fetch my mother from the hospital before lunch but lady luck was not there for me.  The surgeon I was suggested to see was in Canada until  the middle of next month!!!  I know my child's case wasn't life-threatening but to think of the leave I had applied for and having left with only 2 more days that I can take in future, I felt that it was all futile and not worth my trip here. The only thing I could console myself with was the fact that I was there to attend to my mother's needs and assist my other siblings in caring for Mummy.  I just sat there in the reception area thinking of another date for me to come when a nurse told me that I did not necessarily have to see a paediatrics surgeon as a general one would suffice.  So, she managed to wiggle our names in for an appointment at 2 pm sharp and no later than that!  Phew...what a relief!  I still needed to go to HKL though, to get my mum but her discharge letter still hasn't been issued by her attending physician; that bought me some time for a quick lunch.  


We went to see the doctor who happened to say the exact thing as the first surgeon we met in Kuantan did, only this time, he had that human touch and patience in answering all our silly questions..hey, I am a mother and I think I have the rights to massive amounts of paranoia before I let anyone put my child under sedation especially for a surgery be it a minor one!  And when I was satisfied with all the explanations, we  booked Khalida in for surgery the next day. And while I am thinking of the things I want to blog about, my girl is in the surgery room.  I can't stop crying for visions of her screaming with fear is still imprinted in my mind and thoughts..I left her there alone with strangers and I wished and would pay my entire life just to be able to hold her hands even for a single second while they are removing the cyst.  I am lucky though that I was there and I held her when the mask was put on her face..and I was the one she was looking at with wide eyes seconds before she fell into her deep slumber. I am anxiously waiting for her to be wheeled out on the bed and every single footstep I hear coming from the operation theatre makes my heartbeat stop..is it done already? Is she okay? Will she feel pain afterwards?  So many questions and so many emotions building up from within..I could only cry to the thought that my girl is being put under such trauma at such a tender age..I know that God is there beside her and I envy Him..I know that He is protecting her every minute and He is listening to my prayers..

She was a bit cranky and was shouting hysterically when they woke her up..she was afraid and confused that she took the IV line out herself for her blood to be squirting on the bed and on my shirt.  I managed to calm her down with the help of three other nurses..hey, they should give us at least a 10% discount on procedure charges since my gal took out her line for them!!  I was shown the cyst and it was the size of a a tamarind seed, white, round and had a smooth surface much to my surprise when the nurses said that it was actually very small!! I thought it was colossal...Whatever..my gal is chirpy and well.  She doesn't look at all in pain as she was jumping down from her bed and running about in the room, meaning that her surgeon is an expert indeed. ( based on my SIL's (who is a doctor herself) opinion).  As I am typing all these thoughts with its grammatical errors and lack of sequence connectors to give it a smooth flow, Khalida is right beside me singing herself out to the tune of "Downtown" by Petula Graves, for the zillionth time. 
Being wheeled to the OT

I can't quite imagine how I was able to cope with all this.  I know that it was only made possible with the grace of God who rendered me strength of the heart to withstand these turbulent moments.  I can now breathe and savor the taste of polluted KL air in my nostrils. My mom is fine but will go for surgery next month and Khalida is fine too although her cyst will recur in future.  Que sera sera, the future is not ours to see..I will cross the bridge when I come to it..but for now, I am going to enjoy  the presence of those who are around me today!! 


  


This is nothing but my plain ramblings for today..

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My day was made..

Event 1
I was going down the stairs after my last class for that day when Mustaqim, a boy I taught last year when he was in Form 2 came up to me and called me.  I looked at him and there was something about his smile that was instantly contagious..I, myself, started to smile and there we were looking at each other much to everyone's amusement at the bottom of the stairs.  Well, the two of us were rarely in good terms. He never handed in his homework, or brought his textbook and always did his oral assessments half-heartedly and he would always tick me every chance he got . Me and my monstrosity...what more is there to say?  Cut to the chase, "Teacher..," said he and handed me a stalk of white carnation which made me lost for words, literally!!!!  All I could say to him, with a humongous smile on my face was, " Ohhhh .. (gasping and digesting what was happening )....you're so sweeeeeeeeeettt!!!!!!! " I looked up at him and he blew me a kiss and walked away.  I could hear the girls yelping which made me bloody proud of myself for getting a carnation from him, even though I knew it came from one of the flower pots along the corridor.  He made me feel like a celebrity all over again after my previous stint as Victoria Beckham.  That was it...he made my day!!!




Event 2
Recently, my addiction to grace the dance floor has emerged from within and I have been pestering my husband to fulfill his promise to build me a dancing room complete with a high tech sound system and a disco light in the center where it would serve as my sanctuary.  Then, upon hearing " Meet Me Halfway" by Black Eyed Peas, a darn sexy song that could put me to orgasm, my third child started to shake her booty!!!  "Mum, dance.." 
That was what I did exactly...so there we were, the two of us shaking my bedroom floor for my husband's and two other children's eyes only. That child could really dance as she tried to follow my moves..elephant moves.. They were cheering and laughing... I felt like a dirty pole dancer with my mini-me.  She got my moves baby, Amat Apis...you had better watch this child!  So, I guess I don't need a dancing room after all..


"Can you meet me halfway?
 Right at the borderline..
 That's where I'm gonna wait for you..
 oohhh...aahhh..I can't take any further than this..
 ooohhh...aaahhh...I want you so bad it's my biggest wish.."

Friday, April 2, 2010

I Really Appreciate It!

I am one who is open to criticism, I believe that I am although some may say I am not. Well, if I am damn pissed and you criticize me and tell me where I am wrong, hell yeah...I would definitely spit fire!! But on the other hand, if I have mellowed down and you feel you need to satisfy your hunger to make me feel bloody awful, then be my guest, but make sure that it is a constructive one.

I had been saying s**t and d**n for almost ten times last night thinking that it was okay and not so harsh until an older friend of mind boldly told me that I swore a lot which made me feel ashamed of myself and I felt more ashamed when another friend retorted "yeah..you do!"   I didn't think that those two words were too big of a deal, hence my saying them. However, as individuals we might not share the same beliefs.  I was hurt a bit because if it had bothered some people,why didn't they dare to tell me frankly rather than to keep it swelling inside.  If they can repeatedly make fun of me wearing my name tag religiously,which I think wearing it is a professional act and not one that should be made into a subject of humor, then they should ought to have the decency to tell me off when I am doing something wrong!! 

Truthfully, I sometimes think that the way I conduct myself is okay and how I speak or tell stories are acceptable from the intonation to the choice of words because the listeners who I call friends often seem fine but maybe they are just good at putting up with me in the name of tolerance.  I don't need that...tolerance.. every single time, what I need is guidance;  some light to make me someone better. You can't possibly notice at all times that you have done or said something wrong because we perceive things differently and what good does it make if you talk behind my back and allow me to repeat my mistakes and granting me titles like "Biggest Backstabber of the Millennium", "Mulut Laser" when all that you could have done is to tell me straight to my face what bothers you?

Therefore, I have Kak Faridah to thank for her kind act last night.  If it not were for her, I would still be thinking that everyone could accept to hear the words s**t and/or d**n.  And do I resent her for that? Not a tiny bit..in fact just this morning we were having big heartful laughs.  

No offence, this is my plain ramblings for today.