Kak Mike, an acquaintance of mine, passed on to be with God more or less 3 months ago and since then her death had become an obsession of mine!
In the mornings, when I am showering to get ready for work, I would do a breast self-examination to feel for alien lumps on any parts of my armpits or bosom. Even knowing that there weren't any did not leave me satisfied, so I had to look at them in the mirror to see whether there were any abnormalities invading my flesh. I would constantly ask my husband to look at my breasts to see whether there was something different and forced him to feel them if he sensed any lumps and millions of times he had to reassure me there were none. And there isn't a day that goes by without me surfing the net to know everything about breast cancer even watching videos on masectomy, lumpectomy, chemotherapies, radiotherapies and the whole nine yards which concerns cancer; specifically breast cancer! I was practically addicted to cancer! Learning about her death somehow left this void inside of me and I needed to fill it back in, so I surfed and surfed on cancer. I even read her blog numerous times that I swear I could remember her words but nothing managed to fill in that hole in my heart.
My husband was taken aback at my interest and attention to the late Kak Mike's life before death, posed a question that left me speechless. " Are you holding any grudges against her? If you do, just let it out!! She's gone and forgive her!" I thought to myself, did I? Firstly, she was merely an acquaintance who shared a flat with me and some other girls when we were in college so what significance did she bring to my life? Secondly, yes, I was upset with her because I liked her a lot as a friend and she breached my friendship but for all I know, I might have been the cause of that. I thought and I thought and I let all the feelings inside of me out for my dear husband to hear. Finally, I manage to say" Kak Mike, please forgive me...and I forgive you!"
But did it make any difference? Nope..there was something, some feeling lingering inside of me in which I did not know of and I needed for it to come out but I could not because I did not know what was upsetting me. Just yesterday, I was back at my mother's home in Sg. Tua when I had the urge to pass by her house. My husband, god bless him, obeyed my intentions and there we were, right in front of her house. The house looked lonely, sombre, still in grief and very quiet. And as we were reversing our whale of a car, which took ages because the road was narrow, I saw some life when her parents ( I guess) came out to the side porch and a baby; fair, chubby and healthy was held lovingly and protectively by whom I think is Kak Mike's mother and there it was.. all my feelings poured onto my lap in forms of tears. I couldn't contain myself any longer and I wept like a baby..
There it was, the gap in my heart now filled with the last drop of tears. It was then that I understood, what I was searching for wasn't about her but it was her..the baby she gave birth to. I felt sympathy for Qays for never ever having the chance to know his mother who fought for dear life to bring him into this world. This sadness I have for Qays is much much more than what words could explain..this is because I am a mother, and looking at my Qayyum, Iman and Khalida I could not bear the thought of them losing me or even me losing them to death. Poor Qays, at such a tender age, being grabbed of the only priceless treasure any human could ever have..But like I would say to friends, those who are tested by God is only because God has them constantly in His thoughts.
If that baby were to be Qays, then Kak Mike, you have nothing to worry about because he is very well taken care of! But then again, I know you have prepared your family very well for your departure. May Allah bless you in His embrace...insya-allah.